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qwerty_chan's journal
hopeful
accomplishedi failed.. again. yes, that wasn’t a surprise. it’s like part of my everyday hospital duty.
i failed. i kept repeating that to myself when God interrupted and said, “Yes, you failed but I love you still..that will never change. look beyond your failures and see My love bigger than those [failures]”
believing.
another post related to breakfast at the shore.
yes, Jesus doesn’t need my “fish”. He already prepared a breakfast for me.. i just have to be willing to get out of the boat or drag the boat at the shore and run towards him :)
i’m trying not to stress myself too much over the completion of cases (15 cases).
i tried to look for a certain person whom i can give my letter asking for an endorsement letter for the clinic i am supposed to have duties. sadly, i didn’t find her. she went out early. disappointed at first but God reminded me that that’s outside my control.. that He can let two different people meet even if they came from different islands… uerm pa kaya.. our school is just small and surely God can do it.. i just don’t know when or if He wills it.. He knows what’s best for me anyway.
received a message for tomorrow’s meetiing. i asked my mom if i could go and she said “lagi ka nalang umaalis tapos gabi pa yun.” is that a “no”? haha i’m still waiting for the final answer.. once again this is outside my control though i really want to go :)
today.. everything’s outside my control but inside His control.
He’s holding me in His very palm and i know i am secure. :)
Jesus doesn’t need my fish but He appreciates it anyway :)
1Afterward Jesus appeared again to his disciples, by the Sea of Tiberias. It happened this way: 2Simon Peter, Thomas (called Didymus), Nathanael from Cana in Galilee, the sons of Zebedee, and two other disciples were together. 3”I’m going out to fish,” Simon Peter told them, and they said, “We’ll go with you.” So they went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing.
4Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus.
5He called out to them, “Friends, haven’t you any fish?”
“No,” they answered.
— still in this part.. caught nothing.. it’s not because “malas ako” or i have “balat sa pwet” like what the nurse in the lying-in asked us.. i know it’s God’s work.. and sometimes that hurts even more.. i asked several times and maybe still asking, “why?” and i’ve been “fishing” when there’s supposed to be a lot “fish” but there’s NONE.
6He said, “Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some.” When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish.
—still waiting when God will tell me this. Did he already tell me this? am i just too busy with things that i can’t hear His voice?
7Then the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord!” As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, “It is the Lord,” he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water. 8The other disciples followed in the boat, towing the net full of fish, for they were not far from shore, about a hundred yards.[b]9When they landed, they saw a fire of burning coals there with fish on it, and some bread.
10Jesus said to them, “Bring some of the fish you have just caught.”
11Simon Peter climbed aboard and dragged the net ashore. It was full of large fish, 153, but even with so many the net was not torn. 12Jesus said to them, “Come and have breakfast.” None of the disciples dared ask him, “Who are you?” They knew it was the Lord. 13Jesus came, took the bread and gave it to them, and did the same with the fish. 14This was now the third time Jesus appeared to his disciples after he was raised from the dead.
—still learning to get out of the boat and just run to Him. still learning to believe not just with my head but with my heart that Jesus has already prepared a breakfast for me even though i haven’t caught anything… that He has prepared everything even though i have none and even though i tried to do things my way.. that He appreciates what i’m doing or what i did even if it’s a little and it’s not really from me but from Him.. that He’s in control and just waiting for me to run to Him, to sit and chat with Him.. not worrying about anything.. to just be still and enjoy the breakfast He has prepared for me after a long tiring day of fishing.. to just enjoy being with Him.. to just enjoy Him..and nothing else.
I had the most amazing, romantic date tonight :)
We didn’t go to a fancy restaurant; we just sat on the old wooden bench in front of a carinderia and bought a bottle of Sprite. We didn’t talk much but we talked. We just gazed at the moonlight and felt the quietness of the night. We hear chatters but we didn’t mind; people didn’t mind me either. It’s just me and God, in the stillness of the night. The moon shone brightly and i could feel that He made this night especially for me, for us. It was so romantic :). I wouldn’t trade this for a date with my GB haha. :)
Contentment, joy, peace, rest, freedom, love, grace.
In the stillness of my soul, I can see Your love more.
In my darkest night, Your light shines brightly.
In the deepest pit, Your hand reached for me and rescued me.
Thank You.
I can really say “I love You, Jesus, because You first loved me, continues to love me, and will never stop loving me.”
Your love is just too much. I distanced myself from You because I can’t contain Your love. Sin separates me from You. I can’t contain that You love me despite of my failures and sins. I thought, “that’s too good to be true. i’m so broken. i don’t deserve any favor/ blessing from You.” Your love is just too much. You see me through the eyes of grace. You see my failures and sins but love me the same.
Your love is really too much, so great. It doesn’t end at the cross. It continues forever. Now I understand why it’s called an everlasting love.
Thank You, God, for showing me Your love through my dgroup. :)
Words from ate and questions and pieces of advice from april made me teary-eyed. A hug and “i love you” from ross made me break into tears. A smile and “i love you” from tati made my eyes teary again.
Lord, thank You.
last week was a stressful week.
the jeepney drivers didn't give me the right change. lectures were draining my brain cells. the smell of temptation was enticing. i slept at 3:30am for our ncp. my friend got mad at me because i was insensitive. i was almost a dead kid for 8 hours. my prc forms for actual, assist and cord care are still empty. i couldn't focus and failed many times.
last thursday morning..
i woke up at 7am. i was cramming for the unfinished ncp. i was starving. i was alone in the house. an hour left before my duty and i still wasn't preparing for school. i still didn't read my bible. i began to worry and just wanted time to stop. i wanted to be in a quiet place where i could just rest, i wanted to be far from the noise of worries of this world. frustrations came crawling inside me. i sat still, trying to calm myself thinking whether i should rush to get dressed or spend time with God. after minutes of sitting still, i stretched my hand to get my old bible and the journal given. i read, still worrying of the time. i read and read and the word HELPLESSNESS just struck me. i read john 5:1-9 where Jesus asked an invalid man a question answerable by yes or no.."do you want to get well?" and the invalid man just gave an excuse. i saw myself in that man. i saw how helpless i was and how i tried to give excuses to God when He's just asking me if i want to get well? i gave Him answers like, "i deserve this Lord..this is my fault" or "i'm ok..my problem's not that big.. others have bigger problems than mine [maybe You just won't mind mine]". i didn't admit to God that i'm helpless because i thought i was ok..i prayed for other people more and when i'll pray for myself, i just couldn't think of much to pray about. that i was just ok..my condition's ok. this just broke my heart and i just cried unto God and recognized my helplessness. i was so desperate, so desperate for Him because it was like He had closed His ears from my prayers because of my selfishness. But God didn't really close His ears..it's just that the noise of the world became much louder that i couldn't hear God's voice and my cry for helplessness.
things didn't go well after that. this was the day my friend got mad at me (it was really my fault), i have to lower my pride, i experienced rejection that day. rejection is what i fear the most..this is one thing that i always try to avoid by being nice and all. that day, it was like God was the only one who's beside me. i wanted so much to fix the problem immediately. i tried to text my bestfriend because i was about to cry but i didn't have enough balance to send a single message. i wasn't still letting go of the problem. i've told God my problem but not really given the problem to Him. i went home disappointed at how the day ended. I checked my cellphone and saw a message from my friend and we're ok. she's not mad anymore. and truly it was God who fixed my problem. i didn't do anything.
i'm learning to let go of things that God wanted me to let go and to entrust them to Him, not holding back anything but just giving everything to Him.
i'm learning from Abraham's story. He is obedient to God.
Genesis 21:8-20 God told him to let go of his son Ishmael and God promised that He'll make Ishmael into a nation too because he's Abraham's son. Hagar and Ishmael were sent away and they wandered in the desert. When the water in the skin was gone, Hagar put the boy under the bushes because she cannot watch the boy die. They will die because they don't have water.
v17 God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, "What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. 18 Lift the boy up and take him by the hand, for I will make him into a great nation."
19 Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink.
20 God was with the boy as he grew up. He lived in the desert and became an archer. 21 While he was living in the Desert of Paran, his mother got a wife for him from Egypt.
There are things we must let go and just give them to God for He will surely not abandon what we've given up to His hands, especially people.
Hagar and Ishmael = Abraham had to let them go but God never did abandon them. He cared for them and fulfilled His promise to Abraham.
Abraham let go of the things God asked from him. And God didn't forsake or abandon what Abraham has entrusted into His hands.
